Broke(n)back Lyssa

Since I first stepped onto the running scene, I have been told that there are only two kinds of distance runners:  Those who have had an injury requiring them to take some time off, and those who will.  Of course, I typically reside very happily in the state of Delusion where Denial is king and refusal to acknowledge problems is the main form of currency, so I always told myself that would only happen to other runners because I am obviously invincible.  Sure, I had a few hiccups here and there with mild injuries and inconveniences, but nothing that prevented me from running long-term and nothing that didn't eventually work itself out with some rehab or go away on its own.  So, when I started having lower back pain after the second week back to running, I thought very little of it.  I assumed that, like most of my running-related issues, it was simply the result of muscles that were too tight.  Still, wanting to be cautious coming back into what was supposed to be a breakthrough indoor season, I let my trainer know and we started doing treatment on it.  A week later, when the pain hadn't eased, she had some concerns due to the fact that the pain was isolated on the bone, so we set up an appointment with the team doctor, who also wasn't thrilled about the location.  One x-ray later, we discovered that I had an extra lumbar vertebrae, but still didn't see the cause of the pain, so I went in for an MRI.  Following the MRI, I received the news that I have developed stress reactions in both pedicles of my L5 vertebrae.  Essentially, the bone on both sides of my spinal cord in my lower back has been weakened by running, and any additional stress on it could cause it to fracture.
Needless to say, I was devastated by this news.  It completely disrupted all of the plans I had dreamed up for the upcoming season, and took away for at least the next month the thing that I love doing most.  For the time being, I am restricted to only activities that don't make my back hurt more and don't put it into extension even slightly-basically, I am allowed to stationary bike and do the back exercises prescribed by my trainer.  I'm only a few days in currently, and it's been difficult mentally.  Running is a very large part of who I am, and to have it taken away so suddenly was a shock to my system.  However, I realize that this is not something that I can train through or ignore, no matter how much I would love to.  Knowing that, I am choosing to, rather than being angry or depressed, focus on getting better as fast as I can, taking care of my body, and doing the things I can safely do to stay in shape as well as I can.  I have come back from setbacks in my running career before, and I'm completely confident in my ability, with the help of my coaches and trainers, to do it again.  My coach suggested that I write the word "Patience" everywhere that I can to remind myself of what will be most important in the process often, and although I find that to be extremely annoying, I know that it will be the biggest part of this journey for me.  In the meantime, as I try to figure out this whole patience thing, any tips on dealing with cross training, advice on healthy snacks, good playlists, or amusing snapchats or calls during the time I'm isolated on the stationary bike would be greatly appreciated.    

Get Born Again

My first season as a Utah State aggie is over, and with the end of the season comes the period of time where one typically reflects on how far they've come over the course of the season, the things they've accomplished, the things they've overcome, and the things they aim to achieve next.  For me, the end of this season was a jumble of emotions, chief among them gratitude for the opportunity I've had to start anew with this wonderful team, coaches who care about me, and trainers who are there for me to help with any troubles I approach them with.  This semester has been one of the happiest periods of my life.  I've been surrounded by people who understand me like no one ever has before and granted a clean beginning.  USU provided me with the resources I needed to travel and compete with a wonderful, driven team.  I discovered a new passion in the field of psychology and was able to add it as a second major so I have the option to pursue that career if it is what I choose.  At the same time, I have been working through a great deal of things, and it was something that was incredibly frustrating to me throughout the semester.  I realized that there were residual pains that I still needed to work through from my time at MSU and that not all of my struggles would go away with the transfer, but I still found a great deal of difficulty dealing with the fact that I wasn't suddenly one hundred percent happy with my life.  So, if you all don't mind, I'd love to share another piece of who I am with a group of friends and strangers on the internet.
I've posted before about my experience with mental health difficulties.  During my two years at MSU, my mental health was often something that was blatantly neglected.  I didn't feel comfortable reaching out to discuss it with many of the people in my life, so often I would simply pretend that nothing was going on beyond what I allowed the world to see.  I had a few extremely traumatic experiences during my time in Bozeman that a select few friends and family members know about that I simply refused to acknowledge while there because I felt so isolated that I worried if I allowed myself to dwell on them, I would fall apart completely.  I went to therapy once or twice, but I had very little trust for mental health professionals, and felt extremely uncomfortable talking to them about anything going on in my life.  So, when I came to USU and found this amazing support system, some things that went unresolved for months or years began to surface as I felt more comfortable opening up to friends and trainers, and of course, the anxiety and depression didn't simply disappear because I was in a place that I loved with people I cared about.
As the season progressed, it became more and more clear that I needed to do something about my mental health.  Although I was happier than I've ever been, I also had heightened levels of anxiety and depression that baffled me because I was simultaneously the most happy and the most anxious I have ever been.  Though I had close friendships, I found that I was constantly worried that my mental health troubles would drive them away, a thought that made me more anxious, contributing even more to the thought that my anxiety would become too much of a burden.  It was a pretty fun cycle.  I constantly worried about letting down my teammates, coaches, and others that I cared about.  Pre-nationals was a bit of a setback for me because I didn't finish exactly where I wanted to, so fears about disappointing people and doubts about my own abilities began to set in.  The final straw for me, running, and my mental health was the conference meet.  Although my time and place were not bad, necessarily, they did not meet the expectations I had set for myself and I had a complete breakdown.  I felt that I had let down all of the people who were important to me, and that because I hadn't run well enough in my own opinion, I must not be worth caring about.  During this period, I became completely convinced that I wouldn't ever be enough for anyone and that my mental health would always be a stumbling block that no one could ever overlook.  As far as I was concerned, people dealt with me only out of social obligation and I was a burden to the people I cared about.  The week following conference, I finally decided I needed to take steps to do something about my mental health, and paid a visit to the psychiatrist.  We discussed my thought processes and the things I had been dealing with for the past few months and years, and he determined that I could benefit from the use of SSRIs in conjunction with therapy.  I started on Prozac immediately, and shortly before regionals started coming down with migraines and extreme nausea.  At regionals, I raced terribly and thought I had food poisoning, but discovered a few days later that it was, in fact, a side effect of Prozac.  So, four days out from nationals, with the permission of my psychiatrist, I stopped taking it.  Nationals was still an enjoyable experience being with my team, but it still wasn't the experience I felt it should have been, and that drove me to continue trying to improve my thought process and mental health.  Following nationals, I started on Lexapro which thus far has had the combined positive effect of not making me wildly ill and being the same antidepressant that Kanye is on, which makes me feel weirdly superior because if Kanye can overcome things and start his own successful clothing line, make millions as a music artist, and marry Kim K while on Lexapro, I can certainly keep moving forward and make something of myself.  Starting next week, I will be going to therapy, and I've actually committed to giving it an honest effort this time around.  This is a journey that I know is far from over, but I'm reminding myself daily that I'm an independent bad bitch and I have a great deal of hope for what is coming.
Some days it feels like I've found some magical clarity, as if listening to FML by Kanye for the fifteenth time fixed everything and I am positively unstoppable, and some days it feels like I've taken a huge leap back.  But I'm coming to the realization that no matter what happens, no matter how many times running breaks your heart and puts it back together again or someone challenges your worth or you make mistakes that seem catastrophic in the moment, there is always hope for the future.  There will always be people who love you, not despite your shortcomings and the quirks in your brain chemistry, but because of who you are.  For every good thing that you lose, another good thing will come along.  Life just has a way of balancing itself out like that.  And I am finally coming around to the realization that I am not defined by my disorders or by my sport.  I am so much more than Alyssa Snyder the 10k runner with anxiety, I am Lyssa the human being who happens to enjoy running and the results that come from the miles and trials, who might have some struggles with mental health but is working to become so much more, who has an over-the-top love for cats, and who has some amazing friends and family who stand by me even when I'm absolutely on my bullshit.
For anyone out there who is having struggles of their own, just remember a few things while you're on your way to figuring things out:
-There's nothing wrong with you.  You're not a broken person who needs fixing, you're a perfectly good person who's just been through a thing or two
-There is always someone out there to listen and understand when you feel like you have nobody.  If you really feel like you have absolutely no one, slide into my dms and we can chat about what you're going through.
-There is nothing weak about seeking help.  For the longest time, I didn't want to admit that I struggled with my mental health or allow others in the running community to know the extent to which it was a problem for me because I didn't want to be perceived as weak, broken, or crazy.  You're not crazy, you just need a little hand getting all your ducks in a row.
-You are so much more than your disorders or your struggles, and you don't have to let them define you.
Now get out there and kick some ass, bbs.

Track is Back

So, going into this season, my intention was to write a race report following every race, and I started off pretty strong.  Then I had, in my opinion, a bad race at conference and got hit with a case of the depressies over it.  Then I got wildly ill due to some fun side effects of a medication and raced terribly at regionals.  Then nationals actually went well and I was just too lazy to do a writeup.  So, here I am over a month out from my last post to fill you all in on how the season wrapped up and where we're headed going forward.
For the first time in USU history, we sent a cross country team to nationals.  Not only did we qualify our first time ever, we also qualified both the men's and the women's teams at the same time on at-large bids.  There is no group of people that I would rather have gone to cross country NCAAs with for the first time than these guys.  Last year at this time, I was extremely upset with the way my season finished and the fact that I missed qualifying for nationals after coming in with such high expectations.  Now, looking back, I'm grateful for having the struggles I did because they are what led me to this school, my amazing team, and my favorite coaches.
Not everyone had their best race at nationals and there were some unavoidable conflicts that are simply a part of racing with so many people, but our women managed to come away with a fourteenth place finish, making top fifteen in the nation at our first ever appearance at nationals, and the men with a twenty-seventh place finish.  I personally finished in twenty-fifth, which meets the qualifications for all-American.  I was certainly happy with the progress I have made since last year's cross country season, and after the hiccups leading up to nationals this season, I was glad to still finish well, though I will certainly be pursuing a much higher finish in my final cross country season.  Next year, we plan to build on the tradition we've begun by returning to nationals and aiming for a top-ten finish.
Immediately after nationals, I started scheming with my coaches about what my plan would be going forward.  I told Coach Gulden that next time I race the 10k at nationals I would like to improve on my previous finish, so over Thanksgiving break he and Coach Matt chatted about what my schedule would look like for the next three years and how I would get there.  As of right now, we are planning on having me race indoor and absolutely get after it this year.  I will be redshirting outdoor and spending that block of time training and getting ready for cross country, so we aren't concerned about me getting burned out before NCAAs in the spring, and as a result, I'll be hitting workouts hard this winter.  There are no words for how excited I am to get back on the track.  I've been separated from my one true love for far too long, and I can't wait to be reunited with the consistency and reliability of track season.    

Pre-Nationals

As of Saturday, the early season is officially over and championship season is upon us.  With Wisco on Friday and pre-nats on Saturday, this was a huge weekend for all of cross country, and an opportunity for teams to prove themselves.  Utah State went to pre-nats rather than Wisconsin so that everyone on the team would be somewhat familiar with the course before nationals, and we would have a chance to compete against a large group of nationally ranked teams.
This time around, our first travel day was much less hectic.  We actually got our rental cars in a reasonable time frame, nobody got left anywhere, and we got our run in before dark, although I'm entirely convinced that the place we did our post-plane shakeout was 100% haunted.  It was called Big Bone Lick Park, and everything about the situation was reminiscent of a horror film.  It all got started when our vans got split up and we couldn't find half of our group, then when we tried to call them, we found that there was no cell service in the park.  Fortunately, there were a very limited number of places to turn off, so we quickly found them less than half a mile away.  Just so you can all appreciate how clearly haunted this area was, I'll describe it to you in unnecessary amounts of detail.  The place we parked was a "picnic area" which consisted of a swing set, some slides, a run down picnic bench under a tree, and a covered picnic area with bathrooms attached.  The ground was marshy, probably with several dead bodies just below the surface, and to the left, there was a meadow with what looked like a run-down set of wooden bleachers and a rusted out fence that were once part of a baseball field.  I was absolutely certain that the tap water in the bathroom was pumped out of the marshes around us, and that I probably got some angry spirits on my skin when I washed my hands.  The entire area was overcast, which could've just been a weather thing, but more likely was a large group of souls trapped eternally in that area thing.  Coach had planned out a loop for us to run, and with about two miles to go, we found ourselves on the far side of a lake, with me believing that the vans were at least fifteen miles away and that we were going to get crazy murdered by the locals.  Seriously, it's the eve of Friday the 13th, it's overcast, we're running down back roads on the shore of a lake, and there are tiny lake houses and random campers on either side of the road.  Try and tell me that doesn't sound like a setup for a horror film.  Also, earlier in the week I talked to Sonia about the fact that every time I eat peanut butter, I get wildly nauseated and feel like I'm dying, so she suggested that I maybe not eat peanut butter so much anymore, so naturally I had a peanut butter sandwich and multiple peanut butter bars on the plane and spent the entire run convinced that I was going to die.  So things were going great.
The morning of the course preview, after having flung all of my possessions across the hotel room after promising myself that I would stay neat and contained on this trip, I realized that I somehow lost one of my racing socks.  I definitely had other socks that I could have raced in, but I am very particular about what goes on my feet when I'm racing, and without my ultra-lite no-show tabbed Feetures, there was no way that I would be lining up to race the next day.  I probably would've just flown back to Utah that night.  Okay, maybe not.  But I wouldn't have been happy.  Fortunately, I have the greatest coaches on earth, so after the course preview-which was absolutely fantastic, the amount of love this team has for each other and enthusiasm we have to race and race well for each other is like nothing I have ever experienced with any other team-Sarah drove me to a local running store where I got the very last pair of size medium ultra-lite no-show Feetures that they had, which were an extremely aggressive neon orange.

Photos courtesy of Michael Scott

The race itself was different from the first three I ran this year, for obvious reasons.  This race had a significantly stronger field, so it got out hard from the gun and never really offered an opportunity to settle in.  Going into this race, the plan was to go out close to the top ten, cover any gaps that opened up, and move up the last 2k.  Because of the sheer size of the race, this wasn't quite as easy as I anticipated it being, simply because so many girls surged for the front from the beginning.  Mentally, it was a bit challenging to have to work around other runners to be close to the front and run in the middle of a large pack rather than frontrunning easy.  I'm definitely grateful that we had the chance to race here before nationals and I could get some experience running a race that size, because there are some factors here and there that I need to improve on when running with such a large, talented group, and now I know what to change and have time to change it.  I ended up finishing ninth, and I feel extremely conflicted about it.  Last year, my goal was to crack the top thirty in this race, and I fell far short of it, so this year was a huge improvement, but I still feel that I didn't race as well as I could've, with the heat and the race size influencing my performance more than I would've liked, so right now I think I'm happy with the race, but not satisfied.  There is still over a month until nationals, though, so I think that's a good place to be going into the sharpening phase for championship season.

On that pain train for the team

The team finish was the real highlight of that day.  Our women worked together and showed up to prove that we deserve to be nationally ranked.  We placed fourth, beating the #4 ranked team in the nation to do so and only placing behind #1, 2, and 9 ranked teams.  A text post can't really convey how exciting that is.  FOURTH PLACE AT PRE-NATIONALS.  BEHIND ONLY TOP-10 RANKED TEAMS.  IN FRONT OF #4.  It's a pretty dang big deal.  We established pretty clearly that we are certainly the best women's team in Utah, and that there are few teams in the region or nation that we can't at least hold our own against.  Guys, I'm pumped.  My heart is racing a little just typing this up because we still have a month before the regional meet and we aren't going to back off.  We are ready to be the first USU team to go to nationals, and we are going to show up to regionals even more fit and sharp than we are now.    Both the men and the women have been making sacrifices and doing more for this team than we ever have before.  We are willing to do whatever it takes.  Seriously, whatever it takes-we've got the EPO in the fridge in our training room ready to inject right before regionals.  Just kidding, I promise we aren't doping, we just have some kick-ass coaches and a love for each other that drives us to train and race for something bigger than ourselves.

  

On the Rise

I am so hyped I don't even know where to begin.  As I mentioned in my previous post, the team competed in the Paul Short Invite in Pennsylvania this last weekend, and boy did we show up on race day.  The entirety of the weekend was an adventure, so I won't skip straight to the running stuff and leave you wondering just how long we waited for our rental cars or how many times we listened to Welcome to New York by T-Swift on the way to the city.
Leading up to race day, we had a few hiccups.  I hyperventilated my way through the flight and only teared up once or twice, so we were off to a great start.  Then, upon arriving in Pennsylvania, we learned that two of the drivers we had planned on were not, in fact, old enough for the rental agencies to trust them with their vehicles.  We were at the airport for about an hour and a half while that got sorted out, and ended up finagling our way into the cars anyway.  By the time we reached our hotel, it was dark and we had yet to run.  Since coach was a little wary of letting loose twenty-two wide-eyed country kids from Utah to run through the streets of Bethlehem, Pennsylvania, we rolled out to the course for a little late night course previewing.  If you've never run alone through Pennsylvania cornfields in the dark, let me just tell you right now, you aren't missing out.  If there was a Yelp page for it, I would rate it zero stars.  In the daylight hours, I am a semi-rational and somewhat reasonable young lady.  After the sun goes down, it's a completely different story.  I kept seeing shapes in the cornfields, and at one point I actually thought to myself, "Oh no, it's the fabled Pennsylvania werewolves.  My life is about to end."  It wasn't even a full moon.  A few rabbits darted out over the course, and I sincerely believed they were serial killers rustling around in the corn waiting for unsuspecting runners to prey upon.  I think it's possible that I watch too many true crime shows.  Probably the greatest tragedy of the day came about later that night, though, when Presli and I ordered peanut butter chocolate silk pie and they had the audacity to bring us regular chocolate silk pie.  The nerve of some people.

The following day we had the course preview and the difference between the course at night and the course during the day was startling.  Suddenly it no longer felt like the world was closing in every time we ran through the corn, and there wasn't a sense of impending doom.  (Well, not as much of a sense of impending doom-it was a pre-race run, after all).  Probably the most important takeaway from the course preview was Jos telling us that her mom could run 1200 meters when we hit the three mile mark, so we definitely could as well.  A little bit of magic occurred out on the course that transformed my legs from feeling like those bags of frosting you use to decorate cakes to feeling like legs that belonged to a real human person again.

The race itself was a happening good time.  Before the women lined up, two of our male counterparts won their respective races, and it was looking like the men's team would take the title for their race, so Utah State was getting some side glances from the crowd.  Getting out in a field of 400+ ladies wasn't as terrifying and PTSD-inducing as I anticipated it being.  Probably the biggest issue I faced during the race was that I forgot to make note of the distances during the course preview and I somehow didn't notice the signs off to the side that clearly stated how far you have gone every 1k and mile so we got to the three mile and I was still laboring under the delusion that we had not yet hit two miles.  Boy did I feel silly.  With 1200 meters to go, I reminded myself that a) my teammates were out there grinding as well, and we all needed each other to be successful and b) Josie's mom can ran 1200 meters, so you'd best believe I could put in just a little bit more effort.  We ended up coming away with three individual wins, and a sweep of the team titles on the men's and women's side.  I don't think I have ever seen such a group of rowdy individuals as my teammates when we got the news that we had beat number 15-ranked Villanova by over 40 points.

Also, because I mentioned in my previous post that we would be going to a Broadway show in New York, I feel obligated to tell you all about that experience.  Believe it or not, New York is vastly different from Logan, Utah.  There are a few more people, and they are not quite as happy to see you.  Times Square and Broadway were amazing (Phantom on Broadway was probably the coolest thing I have ever seen), and I would definitely like to marry into money so I can go back and watch Broadway musicals casually on the weekends, but New York is not a place that I would ever want to stay for extended periods of time.  On the way back, we learned that the train back from the city is equipped with doors that close automatically, whether everyone who wants to get off is off or not when we managed to lose two of our teammates and our trainer.  They did eventually make their way back to the hotel, though, despite my sincere concern that they would disappear into the train tunnels and become mole people, never to be seen by us again.

In other news, since starting this post, the national coaches' poll has come out, as have the various national rankings from different running-central websites.  The coaches' poll has the women ranked 19th, and the men coming in at 27th.  This is the first time in the history of the school that both the men's and women's teams have been ranked at the same time, and I really can't express what an exciting time it is to be at USU.  We are all still very motivated to keep moving up, and are not willing to let ourselves be complacent or settle in at all, but we're also extremely happy to have reached the point that we have.  Our next competition will be next Saturday in Louisville at pre-nats, and we're definitely ready to move up a few more places in the rankings.  (No I'm not bitter that Villanova and BYU are still ranked ahead of us.  Okay, yeah, I'm totally bitter.  Sorry about it.)    

Got some prom photos done while I had my corn bouquet, courtesy of my teammates

Feelin' 22

Last weekend was a pretty big step for the team.  We faced off against BYU for the first time in the season, and going in we had very high expectations for ourselves.  The BYU women were ranked top 10 in the nation going into the season, so beating them would be a great way to prove that we were well on our way to being the first cross team from USU to qualify for nationals.  Coach gave us a fairly straightforward race plan, and we executed it exactly as he hoped we would.  Our women ended up winning the meet and beating BYU by nine points.  The ladies all worked together and encouraged each other throughout the race, and the strength of our team really showed.  There are still quite a few naysayers-apparently a little girl told one of my teammates that we had simply gotten lucky and that BYU would rub our noses in it next time we faced off (Fortunately I wasn't around for this because it would have reflected very badly on USU for me to be throwing hands at a sassy ten-year-old)-but that's just motivation for us to keep working and not take this small victory as a reason to slack off.

Whole lotta Aggies all in a bunch, just how we like it

As excited as we all were that day, it didn't quite compare to the hype in our group chat a few days later when regional rankings and the results of the coaches poll came out.  We are currently ranking third in the mountain region behind only Colorado and New Mexico, and we jumped eight spots in the national poll to reach the highest ranking of any USU team at twenty-second.  When I opened the link to the results of the coaches' poll for this week, I threw up just a little bit.  But you best believe we're just getting started.  Next week, if you happen to be in the Bethlehem, PA area, feel free to swing by the Paul Short invite and check out your favorite Aggies at work.  (Also, please pray for my soul and my travel companions because based on the amount of traveling we will be doing to reach Pennsylvania, the odds of me not being an ill-tempered gnome with swollen ankles do not look great).  Side note, Coach actually has enough faith in our abilities to clean up well post-race that he's arranged for us to go to Phantom of the Opera on Broadway Friday night, and if you don't think I've already planned one full outfit and multiple backups because this is the fanciest thing that's ever happened to me, you're as wrong as I'm going to be road-ugly.

Plz take a moment to note how cute our mascot is #ILYBlue

The final thing that came out of this weekend, though not a huge moment in the long run, was a big moment for me.  If you have happened to follow my running career through college (bless your souls), you'll know that it has been dynamic to say the least, and not exactly in a good way up until the last few months.  My first two collegiate cross seasons were heavily marked by injury, self-doubt, crippling anxiety and a case of the depressies that hopped on board uninvited every time I had a bad race or got injured like that casual acquaintance that always seems to know when you're having a party where food will be provided and just mysteriously turns up.  Coming into this season, I had a lot of concerns that the nasty cycle of self-doubt and defeat would start up again, and I would have to rely on my backup plan in case running didn't work out.  (Go trolling through yacht clubs during the California meets and pick up a rich husband).  Also, I was straight up panicked that my season would blow up in my face, then all of the internet trolls and h8rs would come crawling out of the woodwork to say how they were right and it was silly of me to transfer because, you know, nothing is really more important than the opinions of a faceless weirdo on the internet who has nothing better to do with their time than dissect the decisions of others.  Anyhow, with those concerns in mind, I started seeing our sports psychologist, and I tell ya what, she's a stunner.  I have told my exotic lover countless times that I would leave him for her in a heartbeat, and he's totally cool with it because that's how great she is.  I meet with her once a week, and we go over the wildly ridiculous worries I have that are holding me back, what triggers my cycles of negativity, and how I can ground myself and get re-focused when thoughts about things that are out of my control come up.  I have weekly homework assignments to make sure I'm actually reflecting on the things I need to, and the sessions are actually enjoyable and not at all like talking to a therapist who is trying to dig their little claws into the source of all your issues.  The week of the BYU meet, my assignment was to identify any thoughts about things that were out of my control and re-center myself every time they came up starting the day before the meet.  Anytime thoughts like "How many miles did she run this summer?" or "What if they're more fit that our team is right now?" or "What if this season blows up for me again?" came up, I had to consider whether they would be helpful in the middle of the race.  If they wouldn't be, I was supposed to consciously shift my thoughts to something else.  As someone who gets straight-up squirrely worrying over all of the possibilities before a race, this was incredibly helpful.  So, the biggest thing I gained from this last weekend was a true enjoyment of cross country and a confidence I haven't experienced since senior year of high school.  I had this "epiphany" during track, but I still had a bit of a mental block for cross, largely because this is the season that has historically held the most issues for me on the college scene.  The difference it has made to be running anxiety-free and actually trying to work through my problems instead of denying their existence has been monumental.  There are still days that hitting my double or running another hill rep sounds incredibly unappetizing, but that's pretty standard across distance running.  Being at USU has helped me to re-discover a joy for cross and to lose the sickening feeling of dread and anticipation that used to come with the beginning of the season.  We are chasing big goals in a supportive and healthy way, and it's incredible to be a part of.

Aggies All the Way #BeTheFirst

     

Clean Start

Anyone who has ever run a race knows the importance of a clean start. You don't want to get out too fast and risk going anaerobic too quickly, or get out too slow and create a gap with the leaders that you will have to fight hard to make up. You also don't want to get tripped up and start the race scraped up and mentally shaken. Of course, you won't always get the clean start you were hoping for, but there will always be a new day and a new race where you can get it right.
Thus far, Utah State has been my new day and my opportunity to get it right. From the first week at camp, I fell in love with my teammates, the program, the town, and the amazing support system we have. I am completely taken aback by the love and support we receive from our coaches. They make it abundantly clear that they care about us as people, and they look out for our best interests while still guiding us to become the best athletes we can be. My teammates are a crew of fantastic nutcases. As is typical for distance runners, there is a wide assortment of personalities, but the common theme that connects us all is the dream that makes us all crazy and that we sacrifice for daily to pursue. The training room staff goes above and beyond  (Ily for real, Sonia). They have already put up with so much of my nonsense (sry I ran 20 miles on Sunday) and have been way more patient than I deserve. The team sports psychologist is absolutely phenomenal, and is already helping me to work through some of my mental blocks and cycles of negativity tied to performance. The running here is amazing. If you're willing to run a mile or two out of town, there is a network of single track trails up through the mountains. The only downside is that some of my teammates have informed me that rattlesnakes like to hang out on the trails sometimes, but the only snakes I've seen out there were the young men who nearly decimated me on their bikes yesterday so I'm a little skeptical about the existence of these rattlesnakes. ALSO our resources are insane. Presli transferred here this season from a Big Sky school as well, and we are both absolutely giddy about the size of the gear packs, the fueling station, the training room, etc.

This season, the goal of the team is to become the first USU cross team to ever qualify for nationals, and boy howdy if any team is going to be the first this one looks as good as any. These ladies work crazy hard, not just at running but at the last little details that separate good from great, and we are all bought into the program entirely. This last Saturday, we had our first meet at home. It was fairly small and relaxed, but it was a solid way to get back into cross and gauge our fitness. We all ran together through 3k then let loose for the final 2k, and I'll tell you what, seeing a pack of teammates that size still together almost two miles in was pretty sweet. We have our next meet in Provo on the 16th, and I'm over the top excited to see how we look with all or most of the girls racing. Honestly, I'm just incredibly happy to be here. I have been asked a lot of questions about why I would transfer after my successful final season at MSU and at times throughout the outdoor season I questioned whether or not I should leave myself, but when it comes down to it, the fact of the matter is I am happy and supported here, which is not something I could always say in Bozeman. I am grateful for the time I had there, but I am even more grateful for the new beginning I was given by Coach Gulden and USU.

Road-Ugliness and Prevention Methods

I am not a person who travels remotely well, and as a student-athlete who has to travel 3+ hours up to seven or eight times in a season, this is fairly unfortunate.  I am road ugly (a term a friend once coined that describes the ability to make two hours in the car look like ten).  This was not always the case.  Once upon a time, I was simply a mildly creased young lady after a long drive in the car or a day at the airport.  Then I went to school in Montana where in order to get anywhere, the minimum drive is three hours and the only airports in the state only fly to a select few other airports so to fly to meets even as near as California required one to wake up at 3 a.m. and spend up to twelve hours on flights and layovers in connecting airports.  After one particularly turbulent flight (most flights into Montana are turbulent as the planes you most typically fly in on are prop planes meant for under fifty passengers that resemble the creations of the Wright brothers) when I woke up in the middle of a drop and was immediately convinced that the plane was going down and I was about to meet Jesus, something snapped.  It was like I was a gremlin and someone had given me a corn dog at 12:01 a.m.  I morphed from the simply unpleasant traveler I was before into a goblin with aching joints, swollen legs, and a tendency to tear up irrationally after more than five hours in a car.  Seriously, I once started crying on a bus because we drove past a gas station and I really had to pee.  There was a bathroom on that bus literally ten feet away from me.  Once on the trip to Texas for regionals, I only remembered to pack one of my compression calf sleeves.  We had a ten hour travel day with a layover in Denver, and by the time we reached our hotel, the leg that I chose to sacrifice to a sleeveless travel day had swelled comically to 25% larger than the other.  As a result of this recently discovered road-ugliness, I have come up with a long list of remedies that, when combined, manage to make the changes in personality and appearance slightly less aggressive and alarming. 

First of all, if you’re an anxious sweater like myself, you’re going to want makeup remover wipes and lots of them, and potentially some dry shampoo.  These will help transform you from a greasy monster to just a monster.   Also, if you wear contacts, I would recommend wearing your glasses until you get to your final destination so you can take frequent naps and not worry about having your eyes feel like someone switched your contact solution for gorilla glue.

Another key for me is to plan out your outfit for travel and make it a little fancy.  Not over the top fancy because you also have to be comfortable and have some way to sneak all of your compression underneath it, but by consciously choosing to not just wear sweatpants and your favorite tie-dyed cat t-shirt, you get a little mental boost.  It’s also nice when you’re getting stares from strangers and you have to wonder if it’s because you look like a walking dumpster fire instead of knowing with absolute certainty that it’s because you look like a walking dumpster fire. 

Food is also v important.  For me, the biggest challenge is always making an effort to pack healthy snacks in addition to the ones that you know and love.  In high school, my friend Alli always used to tell me that no road trip is complete without meat sticks and sugary snacks, and I guess that mentality stuck.  It’s all fun and games until you’re six hours into a bus ride having eaten nothing but those delightful elf cookies that Keebler makes and chocolate milk that is thick with two c’s starting to get a sugar migraine and that gross sticky feeling that refuses to go away.  It’s safest to pack these snacks in advance rather than telling yourself that you’ll buy them on the road because when you’re staring down a bag of Hostess powdered donuts, it’s much harder to say no and go for the pretzels and hummus instead than it would be if you just packed the dang hummus in the first place.  But do be sure to pack trash food also.  My freshman year, when I was truly a road-ugly rookie, there was one memorable trip to California in which I got a slight head cold before we left.  It wasn’t enough to take me off the travel roster, but it was enough to leave me congested and irritable the whole weekend.  I distinctly remember one of my ears getting blocked off on the flight out, and not returning to normal for almost a week, despite many attempts to clear it by my teammates, who poured hydrogen peroxide into it every few minutes all day.  One of my teammates, knowing how cranky travel made me and having a full understanding of my love of treats had the foresight to pack a bag of candy just for me, and after every tantrum-free hour, she would give me a piece.  It was almost like she was classically conditioning me to be well-behaved and I loved it.

Stop by your local grocery store and pick up some Pedialyte as well.  I seriously get borderline religious about that stuff.  You really want to hammer hydration anyway, but the electrolytes it provides are kind of like a slap in the face for your kidneys to wake up and get to work.

Finally, compression is your best friend.  This is a basic that pretty much everyone preaches, but I can’t leave it out because without compression my entire body blows up like a balloon in a truly grotesque manner.  I would not be capable of functioning like a normal human being were it not for my calf sleeves and the Normatec.  My relationship with Normatec is incredibly unhealthy.  I am obsessed with it.  I think about it all the time, and I get upset when I don't get to see it every day.  I get jealous with other people get to spend time with it and I don't.  

So, as we welcome another cross country season, stay safe out there.  Don't make any accidental grabs for the hand of the person sitting next to you on the plane because you had a dream it was crashing or drop a breakfast burrito on your lap in the terminal (not that I've ever done either of those things).  Always make sure you pack both calf sleeves, and for the love of all things holy, never ever ever consume caffeine immediately before a flight.  Peace and god bless.    

Transfer How-To

Although I don't think athletes typically join a team with the intention of transferring, sometimes life comes at you fast and it's just something that has to happen.  It seems like all of the running websites out there have countless articles advising high school athletes on how to choose a school to attend, but there are very view to tell you about the transfer process.  Really, the only reason I decided to transfer was so I could get a first-hand account of how it works to post on this blog.  The lengths I go to for you guys.
The first and most obvious step is to really decide whether or not you want to transfer.  Once you talk to your coaches about it, you don't necessarily have to transfer, you can always just test the waters and decide if it's something you want to go through with or not, but it's best to at least be reasonably sure before talking to anyone because relations with team members and coaches definitely can get a little awkward once it comes out that you are looking at other schools, and if it's not something you actually want to do, there's not really any point to making things needlessly uncomfortable.
After you are sure you want to look into your options, you will need to get a release to contact from your coach and athletic program.  The NCAA has created a guide so you can look into the rules, regulations and other hoopla that come with transferring here, which I would definitely suggest you do before talking with a coach.  Most schools do not allow in-conference transfers, and there is a whole different set of rules for that kind of transfer.  Once you have your release to contact, you can have your coach send it to whatever schools you are interested in, or depending on how you are given your release, send it to them yourself.  For my transfer, my coach just sent me a blanket release addressed to any coach outside of the Big Sky and I was able to email it to any coach I wanted to.  In the case that your coach refuses to release you, your school is required to explain to you in writing how you can appeal for a release, and the appeal is presented to a group of people who are not involved with athletics to make the final decision.
Once you have a release, you are essentially right back where you were senior year.  You are allowed to email and call anyone that the release grants you permission to, and you receive five more official visits.  The biggest difference I found on these visits is that the second time around, you know which factors will actually matter the most to you, and you aren't as distracted by things like how big the football stadium is. For me, this time was all about how many frozen yogurt shops were either right on campus or within walking distance.
If you decide a different school is right for you, there are a few more steps to be taken.  Obviously, you'll need to apply for admissions and register for classes.  This step seems pretty clear, but I didn't remember to complete my registration for fall semester classes until about two weeks ago, so it's not obvious to everyone, I suppose.  You'll also sign a contract with your new school, although there is no official NLI the second time around.  Most of the final transfer process is given to you by your compliance director.  MSU had a very specific checklist that mine just printed off for me.  You'll need to have your records (both academic and medical) sent to your new school so your academic advisors and new athletic trainers can actually assist you properly, as well as check out with your previous training room staff so any injuries you sustained while at that school will actually be taken care of by that school.  Finally, you'll need to procure a second release from your coaches and athletic director, the one-time transfer exception release, which allows you to compete for your new school immediately, rather than sitting out a full year from competition. 
If you have no interest in transferring, sry.  Here's a little nugget of information so you learn something from this post anyway:  Cats' kidneys are so efficient that they can rehydrate by drinking saltwater.  #KnowledgeIsPower 

Be Above It

The theme of this post is something of a divergence from my usual posts about running, but it is a lesson that has been driven home to me by the experiences I have had and the people I have met as a result of running, so I figured it was at least a little relevant on this blog.
"People are going to hate you."  These words were some of the first I heard upon arriving back in Utah after my failed two-year experiment with Montana State, and they made an appearance a few short weeks later from an individual who began our short weekend trip as a stranger, and strangely one of the first lessons I learned just minutes after my finish at nationals.  Regardless of whether you are fast or slow, weak or strong, foolish or intellectual.  Whether they know every word of your story, or none of it at all.  People will hate you because of the things they've heard about you, true or not.  They will hate you for not fulfilling expectations they placed on you without your knowledge, or for pursuing the dreams that fill your waking hours with reckless abandon.  They will hate you for loving too much or not enough or for choosing the wrong person to care for.  They will hate you for your successes because they don't see the efforts that went into them, and they will hate you for your failures because they don't see the devastation that comes with them.
But...this is not on you.  The beautiful thing in all of this hate is that nothing dictates that you must shoulder the burden of accepting responsibility for it.  Of course, one should always strive to be able to recognize when they are in the wrong and make amends, but so long as you are living a life that you can be proud of, a good life, then let go of others' views on you.  Be unashamedly who you are.  Don't cower at the thought that your boldness might cause someone to dislike you.  Don't turn down a chance at happiness because it isn't down the path another might have chosen you.  After one of no doubt many outbursts from me via Snapchat about heaven only knows what, team drama or the patriarchy or someone's sassy attitude or what have you, my friend Aidan offered some simple advice:  Be above it.  You can choose to spend your life suffocating under the knowledge that people exist in this world who do not care for you, or you can try to realize that their opinions of you do not degrade the truth of what you are.  

Rome

Upon reflecting on the title of this post, I realize that it is a little misleading.  I did not go to Rome at any point.  If we're being honest, I've never left the country.  I am a very poor college student and I would probably have to sell an organ to go on a summer trip to Rome.  So, you all deserve an explanation.  At the beginning of my first indoor collegiate season, the track team got a text from our head coach requesting that we turn in our "One Word" to him so he could make sure it was included on the team poster for the year.  I had no idea what "one word" meant, so one of the older girls explained it to me.  Essentially, it is an affirmation, a representation of the ideal that will carry you through the negative temperatures and long weeks of winter training to the end of that 5k in May, through all of the moments when you would much rather spend your winter break drinking cocoa and holding paws with your cat by the fire than slogging through miles in the snow and the last two miles of a 10k.  Throughout the indoor and outdoor seasons at post-meet team meetings, a few members would share their word and the meaning behind it each week.  For the last two years, my words were "fearless" and "rise". 
So, what does this have to do with summer training, Rome, or anything really?  This summer, when I came home from Bozeman and nationals and my first time reaching the All-American status that was my biggest goal going into college, I wasn't at all sure where to go next.  I knew for sure that I wanted to hit higher mileage again because I thrive on that stuff, but aside from that, I was a little lost.  What are you supposed to do differently as an All-American?  Do you have to run every training run at a certain pace now?  Is there a bylaw that states you have to become a paleo vegan gluten-free athlete after you run a certain time in the 10k?  And most importantly, how would I continue improving and moving forward from this moment?  I figured initially I would just train like I did last summer-lots of effort-based easy runs, doubles, and upped miles.  The problem was, I didn't remember exactly how much effort went into an easy run and I wasn't sure where to find the balance between too easy and hammering every run, so I erred on the side of hammering every run for the first few weeks until my new coaching staff sent out some emails reminding our team that this summer was about building a strong, stable base and rediscovering a joy for running, not about beating our bodies into submission.  Thus I discovered my one word for this year:  Rome.  Because I am a cliché millennial troll, the meaning behind the one word is pretty obvious.  Rome wasn't built in a day, and neither was any athletic success I have ever experienced.  It's okay to take it one day or one run at a time and calm down a little.  There's no pressure to "win" every single easy run you go on, whether it is against yourself or the other locals who happen to use Strava (@ the insanely fit older ladies in PC, good grief those guys are titans).  You can take your running career seriously and chase higher mileage and greater fitness, and still enjoy the process and not be a thief of joy who restricts every aspect of their life and crushes every run whether they like it or not.

I tried to run a road 10k and my shoes came untied in the first 800m then my old PC coaches dropped me like a bad habit

With that deeper nonsense out of the way, here's a little bit of what I've been doing with my summer.  As I have for the last three summers, I've been cleaning windows in Park City this year to save money for the school year.  This Friday is actually my last day and I'm hecka excited to have two weeks before camp to hang out and maybe even get around to doing some of my rehab.  I've been slacking severely and justifying by saying that climbing up and down ladders at work is kind of like doing step-ups.  It's not the same thing at all, and someone needs to stage an intervention to make me do weights and core and rehab.  When I haven't been working, I've been running.  I upped my mileage again this year, and am currently happily residing at 80 miles a week.  I say "happily", but it's only fair to share the disclosure that for the first three weeks I was at upped mileage, I was a squinty, cranky basement hag who woke up only long enough to eat, run, and work.  It was a little unpleasant to behold, but I adapted and now I'm back to the simply hangry individual that I was before.  I spent a few weekends running with the SUU kiddos down in Cedar, and can now safely say that while there is something odd and beautiful about running down abandoned roads at one in the morning, I definitely prefer to do my long runs before eleven pm.  And that I really should stick with running because I am garbage at beach volleyball, despite giving it 110%.

My sister and I ran a half and neither one of us wore pants.  It was the best.

My new coaches don't have the team running any workouts until we all get together for camp on the 21st, which has been pretty nice, and they also encouraged us not to race too much, so I've only run a few road races and I have done anything all-out since nationals.  This definitely seems to be a solid strategy, because rather than coming into August already sick to death of tempo runs and mile repeats, I am positively chomping at the bit for some good solid workouts.  I am so overeager to race again, which is a nice change from being petrified to race as I was going into the indoor season. 
ALSO I am over-the-top excited about Utah State.  Guys.  I got added to the GroupMe for the women's distance team at the beginning of the summer which was, of course, a tremendous honor, and I already love my team way too much.  I had the opportunity this last weekend to have a few of my teammates up to the homestead and go for a run in Park City (on one of the trails BTC runs, which I think/hope basically maybe makes me the next Colleen Quigley?  Except I never modeled and I can't run the steeplechase even a little and I'm a little bit in love with her?), and it was, in a word, litty.  I'm way too stoked about the people I will be working with, the meets we will be going to, the gear, the training room, the cute little cows logos we have, so many dang things.  I'm looking forward to this cross country season so much it's borderline obscene.  Great things to come, but in the meantime, I'll try to be patient, continue growing my love for the sport, and enjoy the process.  Also, I'm on the prowl for good running/sports psych/related books, so if you have any recommendations, please slide them into my DMs.

Taking the Next Step

I know I promised that once I had completed my final season with MSU and was officially a Utah State athlete, I would share the complete story behind my transfer back to the Mothership.  This was not a decision that was made easily or taken lightly.  I have many friends at Montana State that I value a great deal, and am going to miss more than I can say.  It was my intention when I signed my NLI to complete my full five years of eligibility here, but sometimes things come up that you can never predict and you have to adapt accordingly.  Rather than address the reasons why I chose to transfer and dwell on the negativity, I would just like to clear up some misconceptions and rumors that are most definitely NOT why I chose to transfer.  If you feel as though this is not enough and would like to know all the nitty gritty details that led up to my leaving Bozeman, feel free to reach out and contact me in a person message.
I didn't choose to leave as a result of any disagreement I had with the coaches.  The individuals I worked with were understanding about my need to move on, and supported me through my final season of competition, even after I informed them of my decision to transfer, nor did I choose to leave because I thought I was superior to the individuals I worked and trained with in any way.  I adore the teammates I had at MSU, and consider them all to be admirable and hardworking women that I was privileged to be around.  I didn't make the decision to leave because of the size of the program, or due to any one injury or setback I experienced while there.  The decision I made came after serious consideration and a great deal of time and experiences in Bozeman.
I am eternally grateful to the friends and teammates at MSU who made the experience I had there a more enjoyable one.  Many of you supported me through this decision, even though it wasn't one that you wished for me, and I cannot state enough how helpful that was.  Those of you who stood by me, even after it became clear that I would be leaving this program, made my last semester with you much better than I ever could have hoped for.
Sometimes, even if it's terrifying, you just have to close your eyes and take the next step forward.

Hayward Magic

Well, I'm currently in the Eugene airport for the next three hours because our connecting flight got cancelled, so I suppose I have no reason to not whip out a quick writeup on the weekend.
One scarcely hears Hayward field mentioned without the word "magic" entering the sentence somewhere.  Having never previously raced there, going into nationals, I was very excited to see if it lived up to the legends.  And folks, it certainly did.
I arrived in Eugene on Tuesday evening with Dale and Lyle, already probably far too hyped up about the whole atmosphere of being here.  The usual travel-ugly troll that takes my place on the first day of travel meets had yet to rear its head, and I was thrilled to even be here.  We had our first opportunity to practice on the track and get out on Pre's Trails.  If you ever have the chance to run those trails, I would definitely recommend it, but I would also recommend bringing a map.  Lyle was my trail guide, and if we're all being honest with each other here, for someone who has been to Eugene for his own trips to nationals and the Olympic Trials so many times, I am not at all convinced he knew where he was going.  Sorry coach, there were just a few moments when you sporadically dipped off and said, "This looks like it goes somewhere!" that I genuinely believed we would never find our way out of the forest.  I was prepared for my fate of living amongst the wolves.  Despite at one point ending up on the wrong side of the fence of a gated community, we did eventually make our way back to Hayward and it was probably the best I've ever felt on a post-flight shakeout.  (It may have made a slight difference that I actually remembered to pack both of my compression sleeves this time.  In Texas, I forgot one of them and ended up with one leg that was comically larger than the other after the flights).
The vast majority of Wednesday after my morning shakeout was spent watching Harry Potter and New Girl in my hotel room, which is the standard pre-race routine.  We did have the chance to watch the men's first day of distance events, and I got to see one of my high school teammates qualify for the finals in the 1500m.  Love you @ Ben.  I also got the news that my friend Courtney and her dad Mark would be making the trip out to watch finals, and that four of my high school teammates were driving out from Park City to watch, so the pressure to perform was on for sure.  Disaster struck Wednesday evening when the store was out of every flavor of Pedialyte other than grape, but I soldiered on and powered through the bottle anyway.

I wish I could accurately capture all of the sensations of Thursday evening.  There was an overwhelming sense of support from my teammates, friends, and coaches, both here and at home.  There was obviously a great deal of excitement to be competing at this legendary track with such a talented field of athletes.  There was immense gratitude to those who helped get me this far.  But more than anything, there was a strange sense of calm.  The meet schedule was behind by about fifteen minutes, so after we were called to the marshaling area, we were released back to the warm-up field for a few more minutes, and I remember looking out past all of the girls who were about to go through this twenty-five lap battle alongside me, seeing the mountains in the distance, and just thinking how happy I was to be here.
The race itself was incredible to experience.  Typically in a 10k, I let myself stay calm and ride the pack for the first 5k.  In this race, I was much more alert and aware of the little changes taking place in the pack, not wanting to lose focus and be caught unaware when people started to break off.  The pace was faster than I have ever maintained over 10k before, but Lyle and I had already discussed this a bit.  Since my fastest race at Mt Sac was so strategic and the first half went out so slowly, we both believed that I had yet to show my true potential in this event.  We came through the first mile, and as I always do four laps into a 10k, I took a deep breath and told myself that I was just fine, I was comfortable and I was still in this race.  Each time a group broke off, I attempted to go with them.  The main pack dropped me, so for the last eight laps, I was in a no-man's land.  I couldn't believe where I was.  I came into this race hoping more than anything to become an All-American, but after the struggles I experienced with my running career over the last two years, I was not anticipating that I would place as well as I did.  I ended up wrapping up my career at MSU with a fourth place finish at nationals and a forty-seven second personal best from my previous at Mt Sac.

I have already started receiving a lot of questions about what changed over the last year-I went from running a 17:05 5k to running two 16:29 5ks in a row.  I made a lot of changes from this time last spring.  The first change was in my training and my mindset towards it.  When I didn't even qualify for regionals last year, I came to the realization that if I wanted to meet my goal of signing a contract after college, I would have to make some changes.  At the end of last spring, I was running fifty miles a week.  This spring, I maintained seventy miles a week consistently, and intend to get up to eighty this summer.  I started taking each run more seriously, and really hammering long runs.  I changed my mindset a great deal to the point that almost every run, rather than just thinking it's just another run, I see it as one more step that can either take me forward towards my goal of becoming an Olympian or backwards away from the fitness I need.  It's all what you choose to make it. 

Another change was in the way I approach my races.  In the past, I have struggled a great deal with my anxiety, especially before races.  I have to make a conscious effort to calm down, but I have finally started to reach a place of calm, peace, and self-assurance when I run.  This race was oddly the most calm I have ever been because I felt I had truly earned the right to be there with my miles of trials and unseen efforts over the last two years.  This performance may seem to some to have come out of nowhere, but it is a moment that I have been working for over many years and trials. 
Every race, I write three words and phrases where I can look to them when my body starts to hurt and tries to encourage my mind to give up.  The first is "calm", finding its place on the back of my hand where it is just a turn of the wrist away, for obvious reasons.  The second things seem to be going south, my silly brain likes to buy a one-way ticket to panic town.  It's always nice to have a quiet reminder that things will be okay no matter what.  The second is, "Not a pretender", marching its way down the side of my index finger where it can point me forward should I ever question whether or not I deserve to be there.  The miles, workouts, and heart that I have put into this sport have transformed me into someone who has earned the right to compete, and doubting that midway through a race has never helped anyone.  The final word is "Tough", always marked on my left wrist where I can see it throughout the race.  Distance races take a tremendous amount of mental effort, and each time I run one, I remind myself that I am tougher than I even know.  After all, if I can finish a medium long run under seven minute pace just an hour after finishing a truly thicc Chipotle burrito, heaven only knows what I'm really capable of. 
So, now that I've competed at my first national meet, I am hungry to come back and continue advancing.  Right now, I am planning on taking the weekend off to reset and allow the shin splints that currently feel like angry badgers have been gnawing my tibias to calm down a bit, then I'm hoping to swan dive back into a sixty-five mile week, building up by five a week until I hit that sweet spot at eighty.  I will also be training back in Park City this summer, so no doubt my lungs are going to hate me more than just about anything for the first two weeks.  Thoughts and prayers are greatly appreciated.
   

Texas and Turtlegate

I've been getting hassled lately for being a negligent blogger and not updating frequently enough, so I apologize for that. In my defense, I think a piece of me died over finals week and it's taken me this long to completely recover from the trauma of taking my physiological psychology, anatomy, and physics final exams all on the same afternoon. I drank so much Dr. Pepper that day I think the caffeine may have actually stopped my heart at one point and I was just staying alive out of spite for whoever decided to make higher education a thing.
First and foremost, I just want to let you guys know that hammocking is the best. Holy cats. I don't know how I made it twenty years without ever trying it. (Okay, I guess I technically tried it before now, but it was one of those weird ropey hammocks that looks like a net designed to trap people like me who don't have a lot of street smarts or coordination. It took me ten minutes to get out of, and I was traumatized). When I found out that my season would be extended another two weeks after Texas, I decided to make a point of getting outside more to keep on top of my mental health and avoid morphing into a bedroom-dwelling Netflix goblin. The natural first step after that was to get a hammock and commit to visiting Bozeman Beach with some teammates. Also to go driving and look for bears because I still haven't seen one since moving to Montana, and I desperately want to before I move back to the motherland. As I write this, I am on my third hour of sitting in this hammock, and I have no intentions of leaving ever. It is my home now. 

Since I last posted, life has gotten pretty wild. Both the Big Sky championships and the NCAA west prelims took place, and despite the fact that I was missing the piece of myself that died during finals week, they both went surprisingly well. The week of Big Sky kicked off as any good week does with a sixteen hour bus ride. I am not the type of person who typically travels well. At one point on the trip out to Sacramento, we drove past a gas station and I actually started tearing up because I thought we weren't going to stop for several more hours. Fortunately, my teammates and trainers realize how terrible I am with travel, so they made the trip much easier to get through than I thought it would be. Also, we had a Harry Potter marathon on the bus so I guess you could say I was living my best life. Madi, Diego and I got the opportunity to do our final workout on the host track after dark on Tuesday, and Madi and I tried Run Gum for the first time, which may have been a mistake. Our energy levels are already several times higher than most, so the added caffeine no doubt made us delightful to be with. 
My first event was the 10k on Friday night. Most of us running it were also entered in the 5k Saturday afternoon, so it was much more strategic than fast. I honestly don't remember most of the race beyond turning to my coaches every lap to see if they wanted me to start making moves yet or nah, and one of my teammates yelling solid advice like, "Move your legs!" and "Always chew your food before you swallow!" I ended up taking my first conference win in the 10k, which still feels a little unreal. After several months of frustration and feeling like my training wasn't paying off, it was incredible to have a weekend like that, and I'm beyond grateful to the coaches and teammates who supported me through it all. The 5k was the following afternoon. I was chasing a school record, which would be 16:29, but came just short of that with a win and a conference meet record. It was the most fun I've had racing in a couple years, and I'm glad I had the opportunity to represent MSU there one last time.
Two weeks after Big Sky, several teammates and I got the chance to compete at west preliminaries in Austin, Texas. If you've never been to Austin, just imagine you're in a large sauna with a lot of barbecue and the most incredibly polite people on earth. The food and people there were both great, but the running made me consider switching to shot put. Also, I can never go back because I humiliated myself, my ancestors, my team and my country. We went on a shakeout the day before competition and found an on-campus turtle pond. Naturally, because I always have to be into everything, I had an all-consuming need to touch a turtle, so I poked one on the shell. Then touching was no longer enough and I couldn't leave until I had picked one up. The turtle I accosted definitely did not want to be picked up. It was trying to latch onto the concrete with its little turtle claws, but I wanted it to love me, so I insisted on holding it anyway. After successfully getting it off the ground and Lion King-ing it up into the air, I felt a single turtle claw reach out and gently graze the back of my hand. Folks, I was not ready for or expecting that, so naturally I screamed like a monster and hurled the turtle like a discus. Fortunately it landed safely in the pond, but I don't think I have ever embarrassed my coach that much. He immediately said we had to get out of there. I'm 90% sure an elderly Asian man captured the whole incident on his phone, and I just pray that video never sees the light of day. 
Between the turtles and the bottle of Pedialyte I consumed pre-race, there was some kind of magic in Texas because despite the fact that it was 85 degrees and one million percent humidity at the time of the 10k, I managed to place eighth and qualify for nationals in Eugene. It was probably the happiest and sweatiest moment of my life. Mostly because I'm stoked to try Voodoo Donuts in Oregon, but also because running is cool I guess. If anybody has good dessert recommendations around Eugene, hit me up for real.

Dealing With Demons: Moving Forward From a Bad Race (Or 20)

There is no such thing as an athlete who has never had a bad competition day.  Anyone can tell you that everyone will experience very good days and very bad days at some point in their career, and some of us get really lucky and can say that sometimes, you have blocks where it seems like all of the competition days are bad.  Especially in a sport like distance running that is as draining as it is, these bad days can easily wear you down and make you reconsider your future in the sport.  It is always devastating to put countless miles and hours into something and feel like it is not paying off.  So how do you handle it when you encounter disappointments in the sport?  How do you move on when you have a bad race (or what feels like an endless stream of them)?  Today I'm going to share a few of the ways I deal with letdowns in workouts and races.
First, it is crucial to remember that, as every coach, teammate, parent, and motivation video will tell you, one bad day does not define your whole career.  Sometimes it is just a matter of factors combining poorly-Maybe you should have taken two recovery days rather than one between your latest workout and the race.  Maybe you should have hydrated better or had a bigger breakfast.  If that's the case, examine what you have control over, evaluate things that you need to change, and adapt.  Even if you can't put a finger on anything that went wrong and it just wasn't there for that day, don't panic and assume that your career is over.  Sometimes having a period in which your workouts are going well but your races feel somewhat stale is simply part of the process while your body catches up with the level of training you have been doing, especially if you have a big jump in mileage or effort level.
Second, be patient.  Those are honest to goodness my two least favorite words in the English language.  Every time I had a bad race over the last year and someone said the words, "Be patient!", it triggered my gag reflex just a little, and I'm sure the look they received from me was nothing short of alarming.  But seriously guys, sometimes patience is simply part of being an athlete.  Results are never immediate, so if you are willing to keep working at it, even when nothing seems to be showing up, it will eventually.  I was discussing this with a friend at the conference meet, expressing some of my frustrations about previous performances, thinking that considering the jump in mileage I had over the summer, I should have been running considerably fast, and he chuckled at me a bit before saying, "Well yeah, you should be able to run faster times after a substantial increase...but not until about six months after."  Sure enough, that conference meet ended up being my breakthrough meet, and it occurred roughly eight months after I started increasing my mileage and effort levels.
Be willing to evaluate your passion and dedication to the sport.  If running is something that truly drives you, something that you want to continue improving at and see how far it takes you, go back to step two and keep grinding.  If it isn't something you are truly passionate about, you might need to accept that competitive running isn't for you.  Burnout is unfortunately very common, even among people who make it as far as collegiate running, and mental strength is as much a determiner in who makes it all the way in athletics as physical strength and training.  Of course, I'm definitely not advocating that anyone just give up the sport over a bad race.  However, I have also had many friends who either lost or never truly had a love for or desire to continue in the sport, and they struggled through several seasons of burnout and exhaustion before accepting that this wasn't the path for them.  If you are at a point where you know you have no love for the sport, and you are doing it to please someone else or for any other reason, consider reevaluating.
Finally, remember all of the reasons that you do this insane sport in the first place.  What got you into it?  Why do you keep doing it after all this time?  What is the end goal that drives you?  (If we're being honest here, one of the things that really drives me through a hard workout or a slump in racing is the desire to be a New Balance babe, and 99% of the reason I have that goal is because I'm in love with Emma Coburn and would love to meet her.  JK, most of the real reason is that I want to go pro and run fast and break records and stuff.  But meeting Emma would be neat.)  If you don't really have a goal, figure one out and get after it.  Find yourself a motivator, even if it's just one for the day, like a cupcake to treat yo self with after your race-we've all been there.  Getting through the garbage days becomes much easier if you have something to chase (or something to drag you kicking and screaming).

The Neediest Runner on Earth: My Favorite Recovery Methods

As any trainer I have ever worked with could attest to you, I am fully confident in saying that I am the neediest runner on earth.  The last two years of high school, I was very fortunate in that I worked one-on-one with a coach who also happened to be head of the sports performance lab at Intermountain in Salt Lake City-In other words, he knew quite a bit about performance, injury, and recovery.  So, basically anytime something hurt for more than a few runs, I would text him and ask what it was and how I could get rid of it.  I was an extremely spoiled athlete in high school (and if we're all being honest with each other, I still am).  There was a brief period after I entered college that I wasn't quite as needy as I typically am.  The head trainer for the track team my freshman year was not conducive to needy recovery habits, as she largely encouraged athletes to just roll out and stretch on their own rather than coming into the training room for "prehab" treatments.  This year, however, we have an absolutely stellar group of trainers who absolutely pamper the athletes.  Seriously, these guys are too good to us.  I don't know how they do it.  With increased mileage and all of the little quirks that occur with it, I am probably in the training room five days a week most weeks and they still haven't told me I need to chill out, which is really a testament to their patience.
As I've started running higher mileage, I've learned more and more just how crucial recovery is.  You may be able to get away with not rolling out and stretching after workouts on a thirty mile week, but when you try to on a seventy mile week, it doesn't really work out.  You are going to feel like your joints and muscles aged ninety years overnight.  So, because I don't want any of you to feel like eighty-five-year-old arthritics, I'm going to share some of my favorite recovery methods with you.  Yeah, you're welcome.  I do it for the fans.
The first and most basic method that most of you probably already utilize is the one-two punch of stretching and rolling out.  If the basic foam roller isn't doing it for you, I would definitely recommend upgrading to a PVC pipe because those puppies are absolutely savage on the IT bands.  Also, tennis/lacrosse balls are the best and worst.  Just roll around on one of those until you hit a tight spot, then use it to really dig in.
The next step up from just rolling out is scraping.  During cross country, I had a plethora of bizarre issues crop up, including cramping in my calves so bad it resulted in the father of a teammate informing her that I closely resembled a lame animal at the end of a race.  No matter how much I stretched and rolled out, upped my calcium intake, made a few sacrifices to minor deities, and stayed hydrated, my legs kept sabotaging me, so the lifts coach recommended that I ask the trainers if I could try scraping.  Holy cats, guys.  It was a game changer.  If you've never been scraped out before, basically it just involves using a curved plastic tool to scrape your muscles, breaking down scar tissue and resulting in some pretty gnarly bruising if you're lucky.  The experience of scraping out my IT bands was once compared to driving down a gravel road, so I guess you could say I'm the grossness standard every athlete should hold themselves to.
Recovery boots are BAE, which I think goes without saying.  I tried those for the first time this year and my life was completely changed.  The NormaTec website says their function is to "mobilize fluid out of the extremities", which is a fancy way to say that they flush the junk out of your legs and make you feel fresh as a daisy.  I probably overuse them, if such a thing is possible.  If I could, I would live in the recovery boots.  That's how much I love them.  Contrast baths are also up there just because going from cold to warm is probably up there with crack cocaine in terms of instant euphoria, and similarly is supposed to help improve blood flow in the area and get the trash out of your muscles.
DMS is the living WORST.  I hate it so much, but there's no denying that it's magic.  This weekend, someone on the team was an idiot and ran all of their races (which were supposed to be used as a workout) at paces significantly faster than what their coach recommended, then accidentally ran their long run faster than they should have the following morning.  This person then convinced themselves that they had re-strained both of their hamstrings, and entered the stages of grief in preparation for their coach's reaction when they had to tell him what their actions had done.  (Okay, spoiler alert this person was me.)  I went to the training room on Monday after having entered the Acceptance stage, and asked if there was anything at all that could be done.  First the trainers established that I had not, in fact, strained anything and that I was dumb as it gets, briefly shamed me for not following the recommendations of my coach, then took the DMS to my hamstrings.  Initially, I wasn't sure if it was actually meant to help or punish me for my disobedience because I have never known pain like that.  I probably would have teared up a little, had I not lost my tear ducts in the war.  But the next day it was confirmed that it actually was supposed to help.  Both my hamstrings and the tendonitis that has been showing up off and on since cross felt significantly better and I wasn't walking like the old man in a Scooby-Doo movie that you think is the villain but just turns out to be a super creepy old dude anymore.    
Prehab/rehab is my recovery/prevention jam.  I have a scheduled time to sass the trainers twice a week, and honestly, it makes me feel absolutely shredded.  I can accept that in reality, I am still a distance runner with little muscle mass and should probably not fight anyone ever in my life, but rehab definitely boosts my confidence and makes me feel like if I did have to get involved in gang activity and start fighting people in the streets, I totally could.
I have to say, though, of all the recovery methods, blood doping is definitely my favorite.  There's just something about getting that fresh stream of erythrocytes illegally before every major competition.  More efficient oxygen transport is such a rush, and knowing that it's a violation of both NCAA and IAAF regulations really gives one that extra drive to succeed.