Don't Call It a Comeback

There is not a single person on God's green earth who is more obnoxious about their rehab than me, I am utterly convinced.  I love doing rehab, and I am not afraid to make sure that everyone around me knows that, whether they want to or not.  My trainer, Sonia, is an angel sent directly to the Utah State training room from the gods of injury and recovery.  She knows I'm a bit of a head case and exercise makes me into much less of a goblin full of spite, and she is a fountain of rehab knowledge, so she has been making my rehab progression so enjoyable.  Last week, she texted me to inform me that she had some ideas to make my exercises harder, and boy did she come through.  Not gonna lie to you guys, I am getting pretty jacked.  #BodyBySonia  The other day, I caught myself checking out my own legs while doing single-leg squats, and I have asked Sonia and Tav roughly seventy-three times in the last week if my butt looks like it has gotten bigger.  I told Sonia that my comeback goal is to be able to be described using the words "Stoopid thicc".  Additionally, I made up my own comeback/rehab progression theme song.  Like I said, obnoxious.  But also extremely happy and excited to be coming back stronger, which hopefully balances things out.

Huge exciting announcement (drumroll please)...I'm running again!  As of this week, I am back on the underwater treadmill.  Thus far, I have had two sessions lasting twenty and thirty minutes with my boo, and the reunion has gone so well.  It's not always easy to work things out after a breakup-there are a lot of hurt feelings and emotions-but running and I really took some time for self-discovery before talking things through again, and we're both willing to ease back into our relationship slowly and make it more stable and healthy.  Those fifty minutes spent on the underwater treadmill held so much pure love for the simple joy of just running.  To run again has been bliss.  Obviously I haven't been permitted to run any record-shattering times, but the motion of running at all is a delight.  Even more exciting is the news that Sonia is planning on allowing me to run on dry land (or I guess technically dry treadmill) on the twenty-eighth.  Under two short weeks!  It feels like I have been floating since I got to start treadmill running again and discovered that I would be running regularly again before March.  I feel like the female lead in a young adult novel, but instead of a complicated, emotionally unavailable poet with dreamy eyes and a leather jacket making me feel this way, it's running.  ILY so much, bb.

Also, as we already knew, the sports psychologist that I work with is a worker of miracles.  This week, we did an exercise that had me charting three major trials and three major triumphs in my life on a sort of graph and connecting those points to illustrate the point that every major trial is eventually turned around and often lead to a greater triumph.  It was a wonderful reminder that this injury will just help me to appreciate the next good thing to happen with my running all the more, and to value the running that I get to do daily rather than taking it for granted.  I am extremely eager to get back into workouts and really appreciate the wonderful exhaustion that comes with them, but I'm also willing to wait until my body is ready for that.  Shoutout to my L5 vertebrae for teaching me about patience, listening to my body, loving running in its purest form, and valuing every little ache, pain, and sore muscle that come with difficult workouts and progression.  Sorry I was so bitter towards you in the beginning of this little baby journey.  You were right, and I was less right.
 

Dear Mainstream Running Media

Dear Mainstream Running Media,

Eating disorders are not cute.

Going over a week without eating a full meal because it makes you feel in control then being unable to run two miles because you don’t have the energy is not cute.

Developing acid reflux so bad that you have stabbing chest pains from esophageal spasms because you drank black coffee on an empty stomach to give you the artificial energy to carry your hollow body through a sixteen mile long run far too fast for the stores you actually have is not cute.

Hassling your trainer to let you do just one extra thing every day, not because you want to get better but because you want to get smaller, is not cute.  Begging to be allowed to go walk on the treadmill for two hours to burn calories is not cute.

Sneaking out and doing more than you’re told even though you’re exhausted and on the verge of tears because you have an anatomy exam on Monday and you can’t make your brain focus on the words on the page is not cute.

Eating jars of baby food for a meal is not cute.

Breaking your spine because you were so obsessed with pounding your body into submitting itself into the right shape is not cute.

Recovery from an eating disorder is not cute.

Refusing to eat all day then binging at night because your trainer told you you’d never heal and be able to run again if you didn’t fuel your body isn’t cute.

Battling the urge to stick your fingers down your throat each time you actually eat a full, healthy meal because you want to be skinny and in control isn’t cute.

Feeling sick every time you eat enough calories because it's been so long since you actually let your stomach feel that it no longer knows how to cope with the presentation of crucial calories is not cute.

Stop glorifying eating disorders.

STOP attacking the women in this sport with healthy bodies.  Stop writing articles about why they won’t do well at nationals even after they win big meets.  Stop making a point of putting a microscope on them when they are a 3k runner and get beat in an 800m race but STILL run the second fastest time in the nation.  Stop trying to take away from the success of strong women who don’t fit your model of a distance runner’s body.

Stop trying to make us believe that eating disorders are cute.  Stop letting us think that changing our bodies will make us into what we want to be. Stop glorifying a culture of repetitive injury and long spans of time off from the sport due to unhealthy habits. Stop putting a very specific body type on a pedestal. Stop refusing to acknowledge the very real presence of eating disorders in this sport, because the truth is, they are there whether we are comfortable with it or not. We all have teammates or friends who have struggled or are struggling to overcome the demons that a culture of obsession with being smaller and running faster has planted in their psyche.

Please start acknowledging the strong and beautiful women of the sport.  Acknowledge that it's okay, in fact it is wonderful, to have a team full of wildly differing shapes.  Since we are not clones, it would be extremely concerning if we all looked exactly the same.  Just as different athletes need different types of training to be successful, different athletes also need to accept that a different body composition or overall appearance is not only acceptable but necessary to be successful, because if we keep trying to force our bodies to fit a mold, we will keep breaking them and feeling like we are not enough.  Until the mainstream running media is willing to make these changes, there will be a sea of voices in the running community here to push back and tell men and women in the sport that they don't have to fit a certain size to have a running career worth following.
If you struggle with an eating disorder, or even just knowing exactly how much of what things you should be eating to maintain a healthy body, there are many resources that you can reach out to.  Many teams and schools have a nutritionist available that you can meet with to discuss healthy dietary habits (USU has a lovely nutritionist named Natalie who has been a wonderful resource for myself and my teammates), and if your school doesn't have that option or your aren't in school, there are also other options.  Basic nutrition classes are available at most schools, as are nutrition students who can help you understand the basics.  There are also dieticians and nutritionists who work at most hospitals and would be more than happy to meet with you and help you optimize your diet for wherever you're at.
As always, I hope you are all happy, healthy, and loving your relationship with running.